I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
