I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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