Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize