I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
