Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're too hungover to prance.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
