My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize