I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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