Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
