i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
