Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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