Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
