guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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