If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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