yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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