Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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