Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
