mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize