She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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