Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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