WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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