walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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