I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
