I accidentally burped into my bong.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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