For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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