in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
