1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
