my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
