I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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