i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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