Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
