people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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