life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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