'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
