there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
