dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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