I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
