I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
