Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
