non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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