You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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