Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
