Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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