The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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