I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
