either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
