life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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