I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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