I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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