I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
