I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize