ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
