After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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