dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
