She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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