omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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