You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
