So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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