Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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