someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
