Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We are two peas in an std pod
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
