Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
