You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
