I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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