so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
