I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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