my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
