i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
