pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you had me at cake vodka
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
