Ambien. No doubt about it.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
