Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
